Why you buggin'?

Okay, so I've been "tagged" to write a list of 10 things that bug me. Let's see...CNN, "Only God" mugs, shrink-wrapped vegetables, those fake testicles that hang from the back of pick-up trucks....clearly these things must bug 90% of the population and simply aren't funny (well, maybe shrink-wrapped vegetables..) So, I will narrow it down to 10 things that bug me about passengers. A little background information: I am a flight attendant for a corporate air shuttle. All of my passengers are professional men and women. We don't accept kids, pets or people who are unable to move expeditiously to an exit in the event of an emergency. This eliminates 99% of the most annoying things about being a flight attendant, so I am forced to complain about minutia. I hope you enjoy the list.

1. ICE. Ice is an integral part of the in-flight service. Seriously. By weighing an open can of soda in my hand, I can tell precisely how much ice to put in the cup so that all of the liquid will fit and there won't be any leftovers to spill later. Ice varies by location. I hate the ice from San Jose the most. They don't have a filter on their ice machine, so whatever minerals are lurking in the tap water make the soda fizz uncontrollably, adding at least 10 minutes to my service over the course of the flight. I also hate ice that is round with divots in the top. This creates a ski-jump like surface, allowing the first pour of soda to leap out of the cup onto some unsuspecting person. I actually concentrate on pouring between the ice cubes when I am unfortunate enough to encounter this evil, irritating ice. The thing I hate the most about ice though, is when someone says, "No ice" AFTER I have scooped the ice and am just about to pour the drink. @#%%# is it so hard to say, "I would like a Coke with no ice please" in the same breath!? Is it?!

2. I'LL HAVE THE STEAK/MARTINI/HAM & EGGS. Hahahaha you are so funny Mr. Passenger, I have NEVER heard that joke before, how clever you are. Here's your minuscule bag of pretzels and a water - eat up.

3. HERE YOU GO (While handing me an sick sack full of vomit). This almost always occurs as someone is leaving the aircraft, like it's their parting gift to me. I am usually suckered into taking it, too. A lot of people think the sick sacks are their own private garbage bag for apple cores and chewing gum (they aren't!), so it's not that uncommon to have some "helpful" individual hand you a bag as they leave. Of course, now I look for steam and leaks before accepting any packages. So you think this is gross? You're right. The correct way to handle airsickness is to ring your call button and -this is important!- tell the FA you were sick WITHOUT handing her the nasty bag of vomit. At that point, she will put on gloves and get a plastic bag for you to deposit your lunch. This can actually be a pleasant transaction. I always reward people who do it right with a small glass of water, a wet wipe and a breath mint.

4. PILOT ANNOUNCEMENTS. Is there anything more boring in the world than a pilot announcement? No, they all stink. You can almost guarantee that it will be too loud, too long and too garbled to even make sense. I have had to get on the PA system after a pilot has made an announcement to "translate" into something resembling sense. There is a reason pilots have limited interaction with the passengers.

5. SNACK GRABBERS. We offer three snacks on each flight. I make a general announcement advising passengers of their options for the day. Guaranteed, 95% of people aren't listening. Fine, I'm resigned to that (I could stand up in front of the cabin and proclaim that I was wearing purple panties and nobody would notice). However, when I tell someone in seat 2A what the snack options are, and then the person sitting in 2B RIGHT NEXT DOOR asks what the snacks are, it makes me absolutely crazy. The only thing worse is when they just reach their hand in and snatch the snack. Or even worse than that - ask what the options are and then make a grab. Someday I will snap and slam someone's hand in the drawer.

6. COMMENTS ON MY WEIGHT. One of the nice things about my job that is unusual is that I have quite a few "regulars". Unfortunately, this tends to breed false chumminess. Hey, you noticed I lost some weight? Guess what, I was pregnant, not fat. (Well okay, maybe a little fat) but seriously, it has been two years! Comments like that only serve to remind me that I must have looked hideous for you to have noticed. Lately I have been telling people I have a wasting disease.

7. COMMENTS ABOUT MY HAIR. That's right, I'm not a natural redhead. Shut the hell up.

8. IMPROPERLY STOWED BAGS. News flash - I'm not blind (the FAA frowns upon visually impaired crew members). The response, "It's okay", in reference to the enormous purse sitting on your lap, as though I am concerned with your comfort and not my job, is ridiculous. How many times have you flown on airplanes? PUT IT AWAY. And if you think you're clever wrapping the purse strap around your ankle, I have one word for you: Darwin.

9. WRAPPER STUFFERS. You may think that my beef regarding garbage is that I have to thank you for handing me trash. Not so, I am thankful, because it means I won't have to pick it out of the seat pocket later. No, my issue with trash is when people consolidate by wadding up their snack wrapper and then stuffing it in their empty cup. This effectively spring loads the cup so that when the next passenger tries to be helpful by stacking their cup with one already on the tray, it tumbles over and knocks two more cups off the tray. Sure I could pick up with a garbage bag, but that's for low-class commercial flight attendants.

10. NO MORE GOOD STORIES. When you think about it, this list is actually quite petty. I had much better things to complain about when I was a low-class commercial flight attendant. Like the time I basically carried a ninety year old man to the lavatory and held him up while he peed. Or the time a woman got her ridiculously overstuffed carry-on bag stuck in an overhead bin and then started making noises as though she were in labor while trying to pull it back out. Or the time I unintentionally read the riot act to the CEO of the company while he was disguised as a ramp agent and said something particularly stupid. Or the time......