A posse ad esse, from possibility to actuality. Twenty-six weeks ago I started training for a marathon; this week I completed one. I'm not quite sure how to feel about the whole thing other than being convinced that I will run another one and probably several shorter races in between. For lack of a more creative introduction, here is how the race went:
I have never checked a bag before at a race because it seems like such a colossal pain in the ass. For the marathon however, I decided to suck it up and bring some dry clothes along; I decided this at 3 AM when I woke up to the pouring rain. Fortunately, it wasn't raining when my running partner, Vonie and I arrived in downtown Portland a few hours later. We stood in line first for the port-a-potties since those lines are always very long, especially at an event with 12,000 runners. This turned out to be a tactical mistake once we saw the lines for the bag check. I seriously contemplated donating my dry clothes to charity on the spot, but I am rather fond of the hoody I packed. At the last minute I threw my cell phone in the bag and jammed my energy gels in the small pocket of my running capris where I had intended to carry my phone. I had planned on pinning the gels to my shirt as I had seen other runners do, but since I have never run with gel packets slapping me on the ass before, I decided to follow the coach's "no new is good new" advice and pocket them instead. I could only cram three of them in there, but I figured I could pick up two more on the course at the designated stations. The whole need for gel was annoying, frankly; I'd trained with a carbohydrate/electrolyte product called Glucose throughout the season because that is the product that was supposed to be on the course. Well, a little less than two weeks prior to the race we found out that Ultima would be on the course instead. Ultima is electrolyte only, hence the need for me to add carbohydrate gel. There was a lot of discussion about this on the Portland Fit forum. Some runners were planning on bringing little packets of glucose and mixing their own during the race. This sounded like a huge time suck to me; little did I know....
At first, I lined up with the five hour (my stated goal) Red Lizard pacer. Then I got a little more optimistic and scooted up closer to the 4:45 (my secret goal) wave-start line. The sun was just beginning to crest the horizon and it was a beautiful morning. I was thrilled to finally be running in my first marathon. Then we were off. I went slow, slow, slow for the first little while, trying to remember not to expend too much energy at the beginning. About ten minutes after we started running, I spotted a bank of port-a-potties that was miraculously vacant. I decided to take advantage of this anomaly and was quickly back out on the course. About this time the elite runners went racing by in the other direction - nearly finished and I had barely started. I was feeling good and smiling wide. I was only a few minutes off my goal pace and figured I could make that up later - I was keeping something in reserve for a reason, after all. There were some interesting sights along the course, not the least of which was a smushed rat. I pictured its last moments alive, frozen in the middle of the street as a knot of crazy humans mowed it down in their enthusiasm to test the limits of human endurance. More likely, it was roadkilled in the more traditional manner before traffic was blocked for the marathon, but it's always fun to speculate.
The water stations were going by quickly and I was drinking Ultima and water at each one. I had to pee again by mile six, but ignored the urge until mile eight hoping for shorter lines. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and I lined up. There were two lines and I got in the wrong one. Everyone in my line was apparently carbo unloading. Finally, I was back on the course, but I had stopped for so long my left leg was tweaking badly I was limping pretty obviously. I stopped twice to rub out the cramp or whatever it was and was off again hoping I had seen the last of the inside of a port-a-potty until after the finish line; I had definitely seen the last of the 4:45 pacer.
I had already eaten two of my gels and was contemplating the third. I'd saved the best (apple pie) for last and decided to bust it out when I started to flag a bit at mile 15. I ripped the packet open with my teeth, and immediately dropped it on the ground. Horrified, I scooped it up and in the process squeezed gel all over my hand, watch and shirt. I started to lick it off my fingers until I realized that even the delicious* taste of energy gel cannot overcome the nasty taste of double-strength hand sanitizer. Abandoning that plan, I squeezed every last drop from the packet.
*Everything's relative
I reached Highway 30 and there was indeed a bit of a headwind as promised in the pre-race materials I had read diligently the night before. The helpful article had suggested finding another runner to run directly behind in order to conserve up to five heartbeats per minute. I dutifully found a strapping young man and slipped in behind him; then something slipped out of his behind and I had to veer off, gagging on the stench of too many pre-race protein bars. Oh well, nothing ventured...
I had to pee again. I couldn't believe it! I'd already peed four times more frequently than I had during my 21 mile training run. I took advantage of a vacant gas station bathroom I knew about and was pleasantly surprised to find it equipped with toilet paper. I also got to wash the crystallized gel from my hands in a real sink.
Speaking of gels, an aid station equipped with gels finally showed up. I was horrified to observe that instead of convenient little packets, they were pouring the gel from a gallon jug into paper cups. I grabbed one anyway, trying to figure out how to get it into my mouth and not my face/hands/clothes. I normally like to portion out my gel over the course of a mile - a carbohydrate miser. A Dixie cup isn't the best means of convenience for this technique, so I decided to go for broke and downed as much as I could by squishing the cup from the bottom. I immediately regretted the decision as soon as the foulness hit my taste buds. It tasted like someone had swished out a honey bear with Pinesol. (You think I'm kidding.) At least I had something to focus on besides the dull ache in my feet and the many miles left to cover. I thought wistfully of the two fruit-flavored gels I'd left behind in my checked bag and thought maybe I could have used a slap on the ass right about now...
Up and over the St. John's Brige and past the seventeen mile marker now. I was still feeling pretty good and looking forward to getting at the chips and Glucose that Aaron and Gemma had waiting for me at mile 20.5. I stopped to pee one more time (seriously!?) and had begun to suspect it was that damn Ultima that was causing the problems. I vowed to only drink water for the rest of the race as I once again sprinted to catch up to the five-hour pacer. I had been doing this at every water station for the last several miles. I was hanging on to my five hour goal like grim death. Finally, I saw the balloon arch that marked the Portland Fit cheering station and started scanning the crowd for Aaron. I saw him wave at me then I saw Gemma with a big smile on her face. I had planned on stopping to chat with them for a minute and give Gemma a hug, but I couldn't stand the thought of that stupid pacer getting ahead of me; I swooped past, grabbing the chips and Glucose as I went. I ran maybe a hundred more yards and all the engergy left my body like it had been siphoned off by one of the Dementors from Harry Potter. I had been focusing so hard on getting to the cheering station that another six miles seemed unattainable. I slowed way down and watched the Red Lizard pack run past and out of sight. I wanted to cry. And I had to pee again. Goddamnit.
The rest of the race (after giving up any goal aside from just finishing) is sort of a blur. I don't even remember crossing the Broadway Bridge. The only good thing I can say about those last few miles is that the port-a-potties were generally vacant. Of course, this was a philosophical observation since I hadn't had to pee since I stopped guzzling that stupid diuretic they were passing off as a sports drink. It's a good thing I had checked my cell phone, because if I'd had it, the temptation to call a cab would have been very enticing.
I found my focus again maybe a half a mile from the finish line when the throng of spectators started to thicken. I had my ipod on and meant to remember the song I crossed the finish line with, but it turns out my capacity for thought was distilled down to just figuring out where the end was and getting there as soon as possible. I didn't hear Gemma and Aaron cheering for me as I rounded the final corner; I'm pretty sure I didn't hear anything at all. I managed to throw my arms up in a victory "V" as I crossed the finish line. The pictures will soon tell if that looked as good as it felt.
