Running Late

Sometimes Mother Nature conspires against  you, and sometimes you just screw things up all by yourself.

Mental note: do not share a pitcher of PBR the night before a race. Maybe it's just me, but carbo-loading with beer (though delicious and fun) inevitably means I will have to carbo un-load in the morning.

On this particular morning, I was assigned a 16 mile run. I'd already registered for the Earthday 10k, so I thought I'd be clever and combine the runs by parking five miles from the starting line--compelling me to finish all 16 miles or hitchhike home. I scouted Google maps and consulted a Portland expert to find a likely spot for my car. I set out for Lake Oswego, having taken care of business ;) before I left bright and early.

I got to the school parking lot and started getting my gear ready. I was wearing a hydration pack without the bladder so that I would have a place to carry my dry clothes, gels, and the inevitable race swag. I carried my Nuun electrolyte drink in a hand-held water bottle and I'd already swiped my important bits with Body Glide. The only thing I didn't have were my carefully written, turn-by-turn directions. Apparently, they had somehow missed the transition from kitchen table gear pile to tightly packed bag.

Bitchcakes! I am so directionally challenged, I practically qualify for ADA status. I knew the general direction I was supposed to be heading, but decided to bring along some insurance in the form of my Garmin Nuvi, a navigational device for cars (not, as it turns out, runners).

This little hiccup in my plan set me behind somewhat, and I would have to run sub 10-minute miles to get to the race on time. The second and bigger hiccup arrived in the form of G.I. distress about a mile into the run. Cheap beer, like cheap hookers may offer instant gratification, but tends to have regrettable consequences. If Google ever asks me how I like their walking map beta, I'm going to tell them that they need to add public restrooms to the list of menu items that can be incorporated into the route. The particular path I was on was full of industrial parks, significantly lacking in public restrooms; and sparse brush, significantly lacking in both camouflage and make-shift toilet-paper options. I'm sure my chiropractor would be appalled at the biomechanics of my gait: trying to run with a tightly clinched ass and a rigid, mincing stride was probably not doing my joints any favors. Things were not looking good for an on-time arrival.

At last, like an oasis in the desert, I saw a gas station up ahead, approximately .2 miles from the race, where tent peaks were sprawled across the parking lot like a Bedouin camp. I ran into the station and made a bee line for the restroom... which was locked. I practically lapped the inside of the convenience store before I found the clerk crouched down in the chip aisle restocking the Funions. I asked her for the key, and she informed me that someone was already in there, so I stalked back to the bathroom door and crossed my arms (and my legs) to wait... and wait... and wait... Every time I heard the paper towel dispenser thump,  I would get my hopes up that this person would soon be vacating the premises I so desperately wanted to occupy, but that door never did open, and time was ticking. It was about five minutes before the start of the race when I decided to give up on the obsessive-compulsive hand-washer in the gas station john and try my luck at the event port-a-potties.

This turned out to be almost as bad of a decision as drinking beer the night before. There were only four toilets for all 200+ participants and however many spectators and volunteers. Not four banks of toilets--four toilets, TOTAL. A fifth grader could have told the organizers that this was a serious oversight. But, having no choice, I joined the line of people snaked in front of the honey buckets.

Over the loudspeaker, I heard them announce that the 10k would start about ten minutes late. "Thank goodness for small favors" I thought, as I hopped from foot to foot. Then they announced the imminent start time....and then the gun went off. Without me. Because surely, anyone who orders only four johns for more than 300 people did not consider for a moment the need for toilets on the course. I had no choice. I continued to wait in line. and wait. and wait.

Finally, much relieved, I trotted over to the start line to make sure I could start with the 5k'ers. Not so, they said. I would have to start immediately for my chip to work properly. The head honcho hopped on his walkie talkie and announced that there was some chick who was in the bathroom for a really long time ("long line, I said long line!") and still wanted to do the 10k. So, traffic was stopped and I ran off down a completely empty course, crossing my fingers that I would make the right turns.

I didn't see a soul for the first mile. Convinced that I had gotten off track, I had just decided to run three miles and turn around so that I could at least make my training goal when I finally saw a little yellow sign marked "runners." About a half mile later, I passed a race volunteer, who despite the extra perky, "way to go!" couldn't quite disguise her look of utter confusion over whether I was an elite 5k runner or just a really fucking slow 10k runner. I passed some walkers at mile two, and despite having over a ten minute delay on my start time, managed to catch up with some actual runners at about mile three and a half.

I did finish the race and set a new personal record of 58:43, though I did not stick around to partake of the free beer (consider that lesson learned).

Confessions of a Lazy Blogger

Okay, okay, it has been a very long time since my last post in October. Some of you may be inclined to think that I have been sitting on the couch eating Krispy Kremes now that I can check "ran a marathon" off my bucket list, but you'd be wrong. In fact, I have run at least one event per month (more or less) since the marathon to keep my motivation going. The list includes:

• Run Like Hell 10k (October): A costume race. I went as Pippi Longstocking, which was a lot of fun, especially when people called out, "Go Pippi!" along the route. I'm considering wearing the same costume for my next marathon just to get the shout outs.
• Dirty Birdy 5k (October): Three times around a motorcross track in the cold wet mud with two "slip 'n' slides" (black plastic laid down on a steep hill--which does nothing to cushion one's ass from sharp rocks). Also done in costume. My favorite: Jen Linder as a pregnant cheerleader. I had to throw away my clothes when this was over.
• Jingle Bell Run 5k (December): F@#king cold.
• First Run 5k (January 1st): A great way to ring in the new year. Also, a testament to the oddness of runners and their penchant for weird costumes even when they aren't called for. Strangest sighting: a couple dressed completely in black with matching red thongs worn on the outside of their clothes.
• Aaron Rogers Open Invitational 5k (February): I don't know who Aaron Rogers is, but I agree with his opinion that "Open Invitational" sounds way better than "Fun Run". Apparently, he is some kid from Glencoe High School in Hillsboro who organized a 5K for his senior project. Even though I secretly think the course was less than 5k, I liked my 25:43 time so I'm not going to complain. This kid organized the hell of this race, better than the Portland marathon by about 26.2 miles.
• Red Lizard 5 Miler (March): Very well organized on a beautiful course in Lake Oswego. I'd do this again, even if I do get lapped by the elites again.
• Shamrock Run 15k (March): Straight up a hill. A really, really, really steep hill. Nothing better than running down the other side (a much more gradual descent than the ascent). Felt like I was flying. I also ran this with a group of girlfriends. Fun times.
• Hitches to Bitches half marathon (April): A group of running friends from Portland Fit put together this half marathon. We briefly ran on the course for Race for the Roses before it was open, which was a ton of fun.We hit the course on the way back too and confused the hell out of the spectators when we diverged from the course--I guess they didn't notice our kick ass H2B race bibs.
• Bridge to Brews 10k (April): Very chilly morning. Nothing like running straight up a hill as soon as the gun goes off to warm a person up. 
• Earth Day 10k (April): A PR for me, funny entry featuring port-a-potties to follow.

Well, that was my old strategy; my new strategy is to get a coach. I found one at PSU by emailing the PE department and inquiring if there were any students in the program who needed independent credits for training someone. This strategy is way more beneficial to my training and I don't have to shell out race fees every month. My new coach is named Yassine. He is an ultra-marathoner, which is intimidating enough, but  he also happens to win ultra marathons. Check out his terrific blog. So now, I have someone who just lays out what I'm supposed to do, which is so much better than reading 15 different training plans and trying to discern what I should do. That gives me a headache and usually takes up so much time that I can't fit in a run. Having a coach also makes me accountable to someone other than myself. I'm actually doing speed work for the first time and loving it.

I have a few more races coming up, Bloomsday in Spokane and the Hippie Chick Half for Mother's Day. After that it's on to the full Rock and Roll Seattle marathon in June. Then I plan to buckle down and train hard for the triple threat I have coming up in October: three marathons in three weeks, which will  qualify me for Silver status as a Marathon Maniac. I'm running Portland, Nike Women's in SFO and the Columbia Gorge. Then I'm taking a week off and spending it in a hot tub with a bucket of margaritas.